THE CLIMACTIC CAFE
by Cat In Cyber Space
Summary: An extraordinary tale with twists and turns about what it would be like if Johnny the Homicidal Maniac met Sherlock Holmes. Read to find out what happens.. ;)


**THE CLIMACTIC CAFE**

"So... Fan Fiction story... Uhh. Intro. Yeah. Got it."

"Nny said to himself as he began to type out the story you are about to read"

The Narrator said to himself while typing Nny's line.

"Waking up is so hard to do when you feel like life is totally meaningless, so you half-ass everything or just give up before you even begin. Kind of like this story I'm about to tell you. Though, I'll admit that it is pretty funny."

Nny said to the corpse beside him in bed.

"It all started yesterday..."

Waking up on the filthy bathroom floor he stared at the bottom of the his porcelain toilet, with tired darkened eyes much like the black buttons pinned to the face of a creepy doll.

"What the fuck is this?"

Nny said whilst staring at the pool of blood around him. He sat up to flush the toilet and lay back down on the floor to try and go back to sleep,

Before the toilet started to make whiny, squealing, disgustingly lewd backwashing noises,

As if something had clogged it. The toilet began to overflow.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!"

A mans decapitated head emerged from the waterfall of blood over-flowing from the toilet.

The head drifted to the outer edge of the bowl and rolled onto Nny's lap. His eyes shot open like a petrified deer in the headlights of a Volkswagen.

He grabbed the head and chucked it across the room!

"YOU BROKE MY FUCKING TOILET ASSHOLE. YOU STUPID HEAD! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID HEAD!"

Shouting at the head across the echoing filthy, blood-stained, shit-hole bathroom, as if the mans brain was even still able to comprehend the complaints Nny was throwing at him.

"Now I need to buy a new toilet... I didn't want to have to go outside into the world today, but I suppose the walls could use some more paint..."

(Referring to the blood he paints over his walls to cover up the 'wall-creature' or 'thing' he has been terrified of since he's been living in the apartment.)

"God damn it."

Nny got up, took his clothes off and got in the shower, turning the knob to the left as far as it possibly could go. As steaming hot as he could make it, just the way he likes as he stood there staring at the tiles and watching the water come out, surround him in clouds of steam.

Like a child staring at the rainbow that shows up when water sprays out from a hose.

"Oh hi asshole."

He said to the decapitated head sitting in his shampoo basket below the shower head.

He got out and got dressed, hardly even drying off, and made his way out of his apartment and through the secret tunnels underground to make his way to the nearby plaza.

Emerging from the alley-way manhole.

"Now which way is the toilet store..."

He said to himself, pondering and looking around if there were anyone to ask.

Suddenly! A stranger in the shadows appeared down the alley.

"HEY! WHERES THE TOILET STORE!"

The man didn't say anything, Only shook rapidly and made coughing noises and breathing heavily.

Feeling insulted, Nny screaming more and more, self-entitled to a reply.

"HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME YOU PITIFUL DISGUSTING DEGENERATE FILTH OF A HUMAN BEING!"

Leaping at the man from behind, Nny took his rusty knife and sliced open the mans throat, spraying blood all over the alley-way brick walls, leaving the shape of NNy and the man plastered across the bricks like a stenciled graffiti art.

"Well he was useless."

He said to himself. Disappointed.

Sparking up a cigarette to his lips, he continued walking down the alley shortcut until he had finally reached the plaza.

"FINALLY!"

Nny shouted at the top of his lungs, while falling to his knees and raising his arms up at the sign before him as if he were praying to a Deity of Toilets.

Walking in to the store he grabbed the nearest, cheapest, toilet he could afford and brought it to the cashier to buy and get out of there.

Then he left the store, carrying it with him.

"I wonder what else I should do since I'm out and about... I should drop this off at home first."

Said Nny-poo.

And now for the Sherlock Holmes side of the story.

"Holmes."

Said Watson.

"Watson."

Said Sherlock.

"Yes?"

Watson replied, irritated.

"I want to go here."

"Where now?! you already went to South America last week!"

Quixotically, Watson shouted across the living room to Sherlock.

"This small town. There's a murderer there who hasn't been caught, and I'm curious as to why he hasn't been caught.

It's a challenge Watson. And I must accept this challenge. So we're going."

Replied Sherlock, assertively.

"Fuck it. Fine. FINE, FINE, FINE. GO AHEAD. Just don't wind up getting yourself killed by whoever it is out there, if he hasn't been caught then he must be dangerous."

"Yay!"

Sherlock squealed like a little girl with his inside voice, whilst quietly golf-clapping his hands together.

FAST FORWARD! They both packed their bags, said bye to their friendly neighbor who is totally like their mum. Got on a plane and got to the airport in the small mysterious town

where Nny resides.

"Now where would you be."

Said Sherlock, vaguely, though implying he was talking to the murderer.

"Climactic Cafe."

"That's where I'll be."

Sherlock replied to himself pointing across the traffic to the plaza, at the coffee shop.

"Coffee? We're looking for a murderer and you want coffee?"

Watson said, annoyed at how ridiculous Sherlock can be. His face completely drooping with how insane Sherlock really is a lot of the time.

"Yes."

"No wait. Good idea. Go on ahead. I'll be at the motel room. I'll just take this alley-way."

Watson headed down the alley way, putting in his headphones, he began listening to Selena Gonads on his U-Phone. He reached into his pocket to get a jawbreaker he had bought at the airport candy dispensers,

threw one whole in his mouth, and immediately began to choke on it violently, grabbing his throat, coughing and gasping for air.

When suddenly a man from behind came up to him, sliced open his throat, killing Mr. Watson.

"Well he was useless."

Nny said to himself, disappointed.

"Black coffee for... My Homie..?"

The coffee girl confusingly said across the cafe room.

"Here!"

Sherlock replied. He grabbed his coffee off the counter top and went to sit by the front window.

He stared at his coffee and dipped his finger in it to enjoy the sensation of the scolding hot coffee burning his finger tip.

Keeping it in for a couple seconds then immediately retracting his finger from it when he had gone as far as he could.

Nny walked into the coffee shop still holding the toilet he had bought. The bell rang as the door opened and closed behind him.

Sherlock glanced at the glass-framed poster in front of him to get a reflection behind him of the person who had walked, definitely covered in blood.

"How recklessly stupid."

Sherlock whispered to himself, realizing that the person who had walked in was most definitely the murderer, and an imbecilic one at that because the murderer had a bloody knife sticking out from his pocket.

Sherlock didn't get up from his seat, he stayed sitting calm and collectively to not draw attention.

Nny walked up to the cashier and ordered a black coffee. Black like his soul. Or a classic teen with pointless angst trying to be an adult.

He looked around the room, realizing all the seats were taken, getting stared at by everyone in the room who noticed the blood on his clothes.

But he didn't care. He saw a seat open across Sherlock, sat down in front of Sherlock, placing the toilet beside him and sipped his coffee, trying not to stare at the man in front of him.

"Bought a new toilet did you?"

Sherlock said to Nny.

"Um.. Yeah. Some asshole clogged my toilet."

Said Nny.

"Did you get ketchup all over yourself as well or..?"

Sherlock asked, wondering if he may be going too far.

"No it's blood. Some jerk wouldn't tell me where the toilet store was so I killed him."

Sherlock silently tried to text the police under the table...

"So you're the murderer who hasn't been caught then?"

"Yeah. I've been trying to get caught but it's like the universe is ignoring my existence or putting all it's power into making sure I never get caught. Kind of funny. Or morbidly depressing."

Suddenly a fancy shimmering ceiling chandelier had broken loose from the old asbestos and termite ridden ceiling, smashed against Sherlock's skull, and spraying blood all over the shop and Nny's face and clothes.

Sherlock collapsed to the side of the table, the muscles in his whole body twitching like a dead animal after it's been shot in the head.

"See. Told you."

Nny took a napkin across the table, wiped the rim of his cup, and sipped his coffee and stared off at the grey skies.

"So yeah. That's what happened. Kind of ANTI-CLIMACTIC. HAHA!"

Nny said to the corpse lying beside him in bed.

"Oh wait you were there."

He leaned in to Sherlock's corpse and wrapped his arms around him.

"Night babe."

 **~FIN~**


End file.
